by Lenore Skenazy
“I want my child to play outside unsupervised, but what about bullies?”
That’s a question that comes up pretty often when I suggest free, unstructured, unsupervised play as a great thing to support kids’ social-emotional health. (Not to mention a wildly fun alternative to keeping kids “safe inside.”) And while “What about bullies?” automatically turns playtime into a minefield of worry, this question actually shows progress.
Because the automatic question used to be, “But what if they’re kidnapped???”
For two generations now, people have become accustomed to imagining the worst-case scenarios whenever we suggest taking their eyes off their kids even for a second — rarely thinking about the fact that they played and explored outside, and these are usually the best memories of their childhood.
Back then, neighborhood play groups were loose and spontaneous, and they usually spanned a bunch of ages. They were made up of whoever was around and available. Younger siblings (I was one) often tagged along.
If you believe in the importance of some playtime that is not adult-organized and supervised — the old-fashioned kind recommended in The Anxious Generation’sFour New Norms — here are eight points I like to share when hesitant parents pose the bully question. (And if you’re a little hesitant yourself, these should provide you some peace of mind, too!)
1. Mixed-age play reduces bullying
Bullying is less common when kids play in mixed-age groups, which is what usually happens when they're not in organized activities. Older kids often (imperfectly, of course) step into the caregiver role. They instinctively tone down aggressive behavior and look out for younger kids. It's actually how they start to build empathy.
As my Let Grow co-founder Peter Gray noted on his Substack, Play Makes Us Human:
In a review of cross-cultural anthropological studies of children’s social interactions, Beatrice Whiting (1983) concluded that boys and girls everywhere demonstrate more kindness and compassion toward children who are at least three years younger than themselves than they do toward children closer to their own age. In a study in a subsistence farming community in Kenya, Carol Ember (1973) found that boys, age 8 to 16, who had regular experience caring for and playing with younger siblings were, on average, kinder, more helpful, and less aggressive in their interactions with peers than were boys who did not have such experience. More recently, a large study of bullying involving data from many classrooms, at many schools, revealed that bullying occurred significantly less often in mixed-grade classrooms than in single-grade classrooms (Oldenburg et al, 2015).
2. A little discomfort is a good thing
No child will be happy — or even totally comfortable — every moment they're playing. And that’s a good thing. Children need love, safety, and great experiences. That’s their sunshine. But they also need some confusion, anger, sadness, fear, and even betrayal. That’s their rain, and it helps them grow. Not a tsunami! Not a hurricane! A little rain.
As Jon (another of my Let Grow co-founders) likes to say: Just as kids need exposure to germs to build a robust immune system, they also need some imperfect, even rotten experiences to build up tolerance for the inevitable slings and arrows of life. This is how they become “antifragile.”
3. Not all meanness is bullying
Not every unkind moment is bullying. There will inevitably be spats when kids get together. I listen to kids playing outside during the summer and the phrase I hear most often is, “That’s not fair!”
Bullying is something different: It’s intentional and persistent harassment and/or intimidation. And it’s much rarer than the everyday bumps and slights that are part of growing up.
4. Teach “social jiu jitsu”
Unfortunately, we will never be able to get rid of all bullies — whether play is supervised or not. So what we can try to do is teach kids how not to be victims (per “bullying expert” Izzy Kalman). We know that kids cannot control other people’s actions, and we don’t believe in blaming the victim. But teaching kids to ignore or even respond cheerfully to jerks (when possible) can be empowering. So instead of, "Don't call me a fatso! That's not nice! Stop it!" a response like "OMG, I wish I looked like you! I see you eat a Twinkie every day at lunch and yet you are so buff! How do you do it?" throws the bully for a total loop.
He has nothing to push on now. Learning that sort of "social jiu-jitsu" can change a kid's whole life! (It works with adults, too.)
Note that this doesn’t work with physical bullying, just verbal.
5. The Three R’s > Stranger Danger
One of the best ways to keep kids safe is to teach them The Three R's. This lesson will keep them safer than locking them inside, or supervising every interaction. It’s also more practical than teaching “Stranger Danger,” which can leave kids thinking that they can’t ask anyone for help, even when they need it. The Three R’s are:
Recognize — No one can touch where your bathing suit covers.
Resist — If someone bothers you, fight, kick, scream, yell.
Report — to you. Tell your kid: "If someone hurts you or makes you do something you don't want to do, tell me and I won’t be mad at you. Even if they make you promise not to tell me, Do tell me. Nothing bad will happen, I promise." This takes away the greatest weapon the bully (or molester) has: secrecy.
6. Who says it’s safer to stay inside?
Do the other parents really think their child will encounter more bullies outside than online?
7. Ask: What kind of childhood do you want for them?
Ask other parents to try to remember how much they loved playing as a kid.
Then ask: "Do you wish your mom was watching you the whole time? Do you wish she was in the tree house with you? Do you wish she was there when you were talking to your friends? Do you wish you were kept 'safe' by never having any unsupervised play time, so you'd never possibly deal with a bully?
If so, then do the same for your kids. But if you think you got something out of your time with friends, outside, playing and dealing with the inevitable conflicts, why not give that same gift to your kids?
8. There is no risk-free choice
If we wait for a perfect, risk-free world before giving kids any freedom and trust, your child will be 88 years old in a rocking chair, reminiscing about the good old days on Instagram.
Here’s the big picture: There is no such thing as a risk-free choice. Every decision we make as parents carries some degree of risk — whether it’s keeping kids home (likely glued to their screens), driving them to school, or allowing them to play unsupervised. So the real choice isn’t between risk and no risk, it’s between different kinds of risks, and different rewards.
The reward for allowing our kids time to hang out with other kids of different ages — in real life, on their own, figuring out what to do, arguing, running, and laughing along the way — isn’t just that they learn how to be social, active, self-directed, happy human beings. It’s that they get a part of their childhood that is truly their own.
And that is irreplaceable.
NOTE: To give your kids the gift of ample, kids-only time, try to find some other nearby families who are game to let their kids play. Or ask your school to start a Let Grow Play Club (school stays open for minimally supervised free play). Or be like the town of Piedmont, California, and declare “Free-Play Fridays,” when everyone sends their kids to the park — and the parents stay home.
