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Who didn’t feel nauseous on Friday when Netflix announced an industry-exploding deal to acquire Warner Bros. for $82.7 billion?
Search far and wide on the internet and you’ll have a hard time finding anyone who’s elated that one of the Big Five Hollywood studios has been snapped up by the boneheads responsible for “Red Notice” starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
The headlines are apocalyptic.
Aliens Invade Earth, Egypt Plagued By Locusts, Netflix Buys Warner Bros.
Backstage, the peeved players all have different and understandable reasons for their ire.
Chief among them, people who make movies want movies to stay in brick-and-mortar theaters.
“Netflix would be a disaster,” “Avatar” and “Titanic” director James Cameron, a loud proponent of the in-person experience, recently said on “The Town” podcast.
The streaming giant has maintained that, while Warners films would still run in cinemas, already abbreviated release windows would be shrunk even further.
Netflix’s “Wake Up Dead Man: A Knives Out Mystery,” for instance, played 600 theaters for a week last month. Directors — especially the good ones — hate this.
Such a move would be the death knell for exhibitors.
And then there are labor concerns.
The Writers Guild of America opposes the plan because, in their view, it would “eliminate jobs, push down wages, worsen conditions for all entertainment workers, raise prices for consumers and reduce the volume and diversity of content for all viewers.”
But speaking as a critic with no skin in the game other than thousands of hours of my life, my main issue is that Netflix movies, more often than not, are abysmal.
For every overpraised award-season darling like “Jay Kelly” or “Maestro,” or the rare strong film like “Wake Up Dead Man,” there are 100 mangy dogs.
Streaming-loving homebodies like to extol the virtues of their couch. I get it. But 10 minutes into most Netflix schlock, a lyric from the musical “Cabaret” comes to mind: “What good is sitting alone in your room?”
Many of the worst films I have endured over the past decade have come from the former DVD rental business that, assuming regulatory approval of the merger, would become the boss. They have the taste of a Saltine.
Their weak catalogue is packed with copycat Hallmark Christmas movies, rancid rom-coms, underbaked dramas and truly embarrassing action films.
Netflix is especially dimwitted when it comes to feeble attempts at “blockbusters.”
In March, the Russo brothers, who directed “Avengers: Endgame,” delivered a $320 million dud called “The Electric State” starring Millie Bobby Brown and Chris Pratt.
In this serious sci-fi film, somehow one of the most expensive movies ever made, Woody Harrelson played Mr. Peanut.
And there was 2024’s unforgivable “Atlas” that had Jennifer Lopez green-screen act with a robot on an ice planet that looked like a screensaver from 2002.
I’ve blocked out Zack Snyder’s execrable two-part “Rebel Moon” — a store-brand “Star Wars” ripoff.
The list goes on and on.
For a while in 2021, ‘flix’s diabolical mission was to crank out a foul new movie every week and completely rewire viewing habits. That didn’t happen, and they mercifully stopped in order to focus on bringing down costs and raising quality.
When, pray tell, does the quality bit start? Netflix seems perfectly content with ladling out gruel.
They couldn’t be more different from Warner Bros., who I’ve underestimated in the past. The studio really got its act together this year.
Their smart, original horror flicks “Sinners” and “Weapons” were popular hits, critical favorites and now Oscar contenders.
James Gunn’s “Superman” rescued DC Studios by offering a bright and optimistic break from comic book gloom.
“The Conjuring 4: Last Rites” and “A Minecraft Movie” printed money, and Paul Thomas Anderson’s acclaimed “One Battle After Another,” starring Leonardo DiCaprio, is the frontrunner for best picture by a mile.
Netflix, meanwhile, got lucky buying “KPop Demon Hunters” from Sony for $20 million.
Maybe. But it’s more likely they just want to kill a competitor and own “Harry Potter.”
I foresee a house of cards.
